Tumblr update...
Mar. 17th, 2026 01:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swirlingflightIt's well into the time I should be asleep, but I'm having that late night sad defeatism over things
Edit from a few hours later: yeah, being tired was definitely exasperating the feelings earlier. Yeah, they're also still there, but I don't feel like that's main thing of the heart of me the way I did last night. :')
Social circles of late have significantly been through Discord for servers and on Tumblr for parallel play type sharing of neat things with occasional comments in the notes, y'know?
And honestly I don't usually want to do extended back and forth conversations. Hanging out on tumblr reblogging things back and forth with mutuals, some limited chatting via thg tags au each other, that's been low demand but nice
But part of the appeal there is in being able to quickly slim the notes of some posts to find additions in different reblog chains with cool things, and add those to the dashboard too. And another, to remark on something I like about art in the tags, so as to give a little boost the artist's way when I reblog.
If I understand the way the newly broken into pieces posting and reblogging chains with comments works, neither of those works anymore. Each comment makes a new post within the post with its own notes the OP doesn't see on their dash, necessitating checking each comment separately to sew the reblogs and tags. Harder to browse the notes, harder to give the artists feedback - at least in the sense of it taking reblogging from the op to do so, separate from reblogging any interesting chains.
I am already feeling sad and fake and bad at being a person. Like I have to force the reciprocal social signals in order for anyone to care or want to interact with me, like I have to initiate it and work hard or else they'll be disappointed that I'm not rewarding enough to interact with, and all leave me behind to interact with others instead.
Discord servers really are a lot, when they're active. More than I keep up with. AMD that feeling of falling behind, being left behind, being an after thought, being tolerated but not wanted enough to be sought out...
And knowing that, to whatever extent that's true, it's because of failing to contribute in ways that warm others at the thought of me, failing to cozy emoji st them and squee about things with them, failing to say that I enjoy their company and their time, so like
Of course they don't think to say so of me, when I fail too often to do so of them.
Multiple social circles this is, too. Common elements are How People People Together, and Me.
Of course I want to rp Papyrus, smiling liar who claims to want friendship but avoids opportunities to make friends.
Of course I want to rp Odile, aware she's Other and sharp and cool in a sometimes colder than she means to be way.
How could I imagine being something closer to people than that? How could I imagine not having a writhing hungry emptiness in my chest where I think joy was supposed to live, not tremble with FOMO and feeling left put and resigned to it, not try to laugh and pretend I want nothing close, to hide how much I crave?
I'm posting this here since Tumblr is a mess right now, and I'm hoping I'll look att this with fresh eyes and glean some insight I can use to change with, and at least a little bit because I'm hoping words where another might see them will make something real.
Edit from a few hours later: yeah, being tired was definitely exasperating the feelings earlier. Yeah, they're also still there, but I don't feel like that's main thing of the heart of me the way I did last night. :')
Social circles of late have significantly been through Discord for servers and on Tumblr for parallel play type sharing of neat things with occasional comments in the notes, y'know?
And honestly I don't usually want to do extended back and forth conversations. Hanging out on tumblr reblogging things back and forth with mutuals, some limited chatting via thg tags au each other, that's been low demand but nice
But part of the appeal there is in being able to quickly slim the notes of some posts to find additions in different reblog chains with cool things, and add those to the dashboard too. And another, to remark on something I like about art in the tags, so as to give a little boost the artist's way when I reblog.
If I understand the way the newly broken into pieces posting and reblogging chains with comments works, neither of those works anymore. Each comment makes a new post within the post with its own notes the OP doesn't see on their dash, necessitating checking each comment separately to sew the reblogs and tags. Harder to browse the notes, harder to give the artists feedback - at least in the sense of it taking reblogging from the op to do so, separate from reblogging any interesting chains.
I am already feeling sad and fake and bad at being a person. Like I have to force the reciprocal social signals in order for anyone to care or want to interact with me, like I have to initiate it and work hard or else they'll be disappointed that I'm not rewarding enough to interact with, and all leave me behind to interact with others instead.
Discord servers really are a lot, when they're active. More than I keep up with. AMD that feeling of falling behind, being left behind, being an after thought, being tolerated but not wanted enough to be sought out...
And knowing that, to whatever extent that's true, it's because of failing to contribute in ways that warm others at the thought of me, failing to cozy emoji st them and squee about things with them, failing to say that I enjoy their company and their time, so like
Of course they don't think to say so of me, when I fail too often to do so of them.
Multiple social circles this is, too. Common elements are How People People Together, and Me.
Of course I want to rp Papyrus, smiling liar who claims to want friendship but avoids opportunities to make friends.
Of course I want to rp Odile, aware she's Other and sharp and cool in a sometimes colder than she means to be way.
How could I imagine being something closer to people than that? How could I imagine not having a writhing hungry emptiness in my chest where I think joy was supposed to live, not tremble with FOMO and feeling left put and resigned to it, not try to laugh and pretend I want nothing close, to hide how much I crave?
I'm posting this here since Tumblr is a mess right now, and I'm hoping I'll look att this with fresh eyes and glean some insight I can use to change with, and at least a little bit because I'm hoping words where another might see them will make something real.